


Sexy Shenanigans

by Jak_the_ATAT



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean is horny, Dean is sad, Destiel - Freeform, F/M, Humor, Humour, I question everything I wrote, M/M, Mentions of Sabriel, Mentions of Sex, Sabriel - Freeform, all random, but not extremely explicit, castiel is also horny, dean is stood up, however it’s spelled, lots of mentions, maybe Dean a little, more of a teen drama kind of sex, no one is in character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-07 10:32:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18618844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jak_the_ATAT/pseuds/Jak_the_ATAT
Summary: When Dean is stood-up, Castiel comes to the rescue.Based off a prompt by Alessariel:Dean always brings his hook ups to that one abandoned house with the strange carved statue over the entrance and one day Castiel the god emerges from the wall and tells Dean that all his sexual shenanigans have given Cas enough strength to manifest again and how would Dean like to be rewarded for his offerings and service?





	Sexy Shenanigans

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Alessariel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alessariel/gifts).



> If you haven’t read the tags, this story is very OOC. 
> 
> As mentioned before, this fic is based off a prompt by Alessariel. So thank you for making my brain and thumbs write this.

Ever wanted to know the secret to successful sex? If you ask Dean Winchester, the man who brings all his hook-ups to this one abandoned temple, he’ll say the creep factor, the sense of being alone, the cold floors with the occasional warm breeze, and the privacy away from public is the way to leave every hook-up satisfied in the morning. If she felt a little frisky, he brought her to have sex in the ballroom before one of the giant sexy statues depicting the seven archangels of the week. And no matter how distracted his mind was by his hot lady friend, he had a very specific system as to which angel would be blessed to witness sex by Dean Winchester.

 

Monday hook-ups got Gabriel watching over them.

 

Tuesday hook-ups faced Uriel.

 

Wednesday hook-ups flashed Raphael.

 

Thursday hook-ups mingled under Castiel.

 

Friday hook-ups had a nice view of Anael.

 

Saturday hook-ups posed before Metatron.

 

And Sunday hook-ups fucked in the presence of Michael.

 

Typically, Dean liked to find someone on Thursday. He didn't know why, but bashing two pairs of hips together at Castiel’s feet left him more satisfied than the others did. Perhaps it was because he found quite elegant and attractive for a statue.

 

Which was odd to say. It’s a statue.

 

But screw details. Let’s skip to the present. Tonight was a special night. It was Dean's 50th hook-up this year! And man, was he excited! She was one hell of a pretty woman when he met her at the bar. She had a silver tongue and a smooth voice that enchanted his attempts at charming her. Her name was Anna and she was everything he wanted.

 

Working his way to the abandoned house, he glanced at his phone to see if he had a text from her. Nothing. So she was playing this late game, was she? Keeping him on edge, he liked that. Well, Dean could wait around. And so he sat below the Angel of Thursday, as it did happen to be Thursday, and waited for her.

 

And he waited.

 

And waited.

 

And waited.

 

And when he texted her again and she told him she found someone else who was taller, had better hair, an eight pack, side burns, golden-grey eyes, a chiselled jaw that could kill, and was a whole lot hotter, Dean gave up. Well great, he didn't walk all the way out to this abandoned piece of shit to be stood up. He decided to spend his 50th sexy time with himself, because masturbating with no one else around was completely enjoyable.

 

No, no it wasn't. Just the thought of it made him want to gag.

 

He suddenly heard something behind him. When Dean turned around, the statue was... well, to put it simply, no longer a statue. Instead a gorgeous man stood in its place, sighing as he stretched his arms. Their eyes locked and Dean's sappy green eyes pierced into the man's sucker blue eyes and vice versa. Those blue eyes sucked Dean’s soul right into them and he felt like his pupils might as well have been hearts. Of course, it didn’t last long, because that was a chick-flick moment. And Dean would not tolerate chick-flick moments.

 

“Good evening," the man said.

 

Dean's first instinct was to reach for his gun—which he didn't have because he was going to fuck a lady friend—and then for thin air. What was he supposed to do with his hands? “Who the hell are you?"

 

"I am Castiel.” The man didn’t smile but his eyes beamed (sadly, not the laser beaming). “And I must thank you for your services. You have set me free from the terrible stone I was cast into with all your sexual intercourse at my feet." He gestured to the floor where the two giant parts of the statue lay, a clear figure of a human cut inside. Dean found his mouth agape. "You see, archangels are trapped away in statues like so when cast out of Heaven. Only when they have witnessed enough intercourse sessions can they ever break free of their tomb. Also, I appreciate how hot you made your scenes. Very arousing.”

 

"So you’ve seen everything I've done?" Oh god, all those things that Dean and his partners did in this room and the angels were watching?! Cripes. Dean wanted to shoot himself, except he still didn’t have a gun. "Son of a bitch..."

 

Castiel gave a sweeping bow before Dean. "I would like to reward you for your service. Hardly anyone other than you as stepped into this room, let alone have sex. And I would have been trapped there for much longer had you not come along. Thank you for choosing me. What can I award you with?"

 

He got an award for freeing an angel through sex. Wow. Wait until Sam heard about this—wait, no, Sam should probably never know. Dean rubbed his temples as he tried to comprehend all this newfound information. "Okay... I'm... uh, I'm not sure what I would want for an award."

 

"I can generate some ideas. Money, power, fame, bombs, burgers—"

 

"A burger does sound good."

 

"You want a burger?"

 

"No! Well, yes, but not as my wish! God, this is harder than working with a genie."

 

Castiel shrugged and wandered around the area, studying his brothers and sister. "Other suggestions include pie, family, friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, enemies, someone you hate to die, new sex toys, world domination, the devil on your shoulder accompanied by an angel on the other, hallucinations for the one you hate, demons, seeing the undead, having a shotgun to kill the undead, shutting the shotgun’s cakehole, becoming president of the United States through lying—"

 

"Jesus Christ, Castiel! I just want sex!"

 

Castiel stopped ranting. He turned his eye towards Dean and gave a smile. "Good choice. With whom would you like sex with?"

 

Dean bit his lip as he thought about what he was going to say. No, he shouldn't. There's no way in hell. His mind was screwing with him. Oh wait, there it was. His mind just told his mouth the blurt out the most absurd thing he wanted and hated the thought of at the same time. "With you."

 

Castiel's head cocked. "With me?"

 

Dean swallowed. His mouth moved about and his voice box hummed as he formed words he didn't even have time to review in his head. “Yeah, tonight was a big night for me and the woman I was with stood me up…”

 

Castiel's smile only grew and he began sliding off the long trench coat that sat upon his shoulders. "Well, that just won’t do. The nerve of her to leave such a gorgeous and exquisite man unsatisfied!” The man reached up to undo his tie in perhaps the sexiest way Dean has ever seen hands undo a tie.

 

Everything in Dean's mind screamed "NUUU!" but his body road a big fat "YES! HAVE THE SEX!!" He found himself wrapped up in Castiel's touch and melting into the man's lips as Castiel's hands stroked every fibre of his skin, sending him into a puddle of frenzy. Oh no, his mind was agreeing with his body. He wasn't gay! Ah, screw it. Castiel was hot and Dean was horny.

 

What happened next was one of the most elegant sex events Dean ever witnessed as clothes flinging off became 50 shades of kissing. Every breath, every touch, every move; so elaborate, so fantastical, so teasing, so teen drama-y that this fic was rated T to reinforce that idea. And when it was over, Castiel offered Dean the most Heavenly aftercare that Dean nearly screeched passionately “Angels really do exist!” But in an empty room like this, screeching hurts the ears so he just yelled it.

 

As they lay there on the ground, Dean cuddled against Castiel's chest, they heard the sound of something cracking. The stone of one of the other archangels suddenly fell apart and a man strode out, a big smile on his face. "FREEEEEEEEDOM!" He glanced at the two shocked men on the floor. "Hi Cassie!"

 

"Hello, Gabriel," Castiel muttered.

 

Gabriel turned his eyes to Dean and beamed. "Hi, I'm Gabriel! Thanks for your services. You've set me free from the terrible die-cast stone cut-out I was in with your sexual acts... with my brother! Delightful, you two bang it out. I'll find my own date. I hear your brother stole your she-date so I think I’ll steal him from her. Byeeee!"

 

Dean found his eyes glued to the door Gabriel wokka wokka'ed out. He then turned to Castiel and stared. "What the Hell was that?"

 

"I believe it was us participating in sexual shenanigans—which I would consider quite the opposite of Hell—and freeing Gabriel. He must have witnessed as many of your intimate actions as I did. Do you fuck on Mondays often?"

 

"... Mondays were usually my role play days... so yes…”

 

"Shame, I wish I saw more of your extravagant adventures. Not that seeing you in panties wasn't entertaining. Quite the contrary, it only aroused my vibrant hunger for your ass.”

 

Wow. This day couldn’t get any weirder. Unless…

 

Dean turned his eyes to the sky and howled “KEVIN!! STOP READING PORN AND WRITING PROPHECIES!!”

 

“The prophets aren’t doing anything about this,” Castiel said. “Nah, we are writing our own destiny.”

 

“Did you just say nah?”

 

“It was a typo. I meant nay.”

 

“Cas, this is a verbal conversation.”

 

“I beg to differ. Our conversation is written out and between twenty and two hundred people may view it and call it fiction of the fans.”

 

“Wait, what?”

 

“Nothing. Just angel rambling. Shall we do it again?”

 

Dean states at the other angels around the room. He might as well be having public sex before some horny deities. Guess he could cross that one off his bucket list, the one he didn’t even bother to write.

 

“Yeah, sure. Let’s try and release all the angels tonight.”

 

Castiel smirked and licked his lips. “I like how you think,” he said before craning his neck to meet Dean’s lips with his own.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment, kudos, or send help for my weird brain.


End file.
